The Refugee Mentality

Since 1976 I have counted two birthdays every April in my head. One is my actual birthday and the second a sort of “re”birthday, when my parents, sisters, and I began a new life in America after the fall of Saigon on April 30, 1975. This year is a huge milestone because it marks the 35th year in our adopted country. It’s quite remarkable–not only because the math doesn’t add up to the fact that I’m only 25!– to think that I have spent most of my life in this country and now consider myself an American both on paper and in spirit. Yet when I count numbers, it is still always in my native Vietnamese, and when people ask me where I’m from, I’ll say LA but the visual in my head is always of the photos you see in today’s entry…

One of my earliest memories of being in the States is seeing my mom and our live-in nanny (who evacuated with us) hoard staples like food items or toiletries. If they had known about Costco back then I think we would have had enough bulk items to last another 35 years. I suppose when you are given 24 hours to vacate your home and country with little more than the clothes on your back, you shop with a newfound urgency and fear of lacking the very basics. We used to self-diagnose our behavior by referring to this as the refugee mentality and today I laugh about it, trying to apply this syndrome to my Chanel habit. Something tells me it’s not quite the same thing.

I often wonder what the experience is like for other immigrants--specifically refugees--who now claim America as their own. Do they ever stop longing for the home that’s no longer there…do they stop feeling guilty when they sing the Stars Spangled Banner and feel the same chills of pride? It’s taken me 35 years to try to define it, but the best way I can put it is that my immigrant experience is all of these mixed emotions of confusion, of trying to get a sense of belonging. But what I know most of all is that all immigrants share the one common bond of survival. I am beyond amazed that my parents were able to provide for the three of us and their extended families under tremendous, life-changing circumstances. And this stalwart determination is the one refugee mentality I hope to never lose.

April 30, 2010